It's like 2019 didn't exist...

Because if I didn't document it, it didn't happen, right?!?

I've been journaling some on paper, which in some ways is easier for me - no compulsion to check grammar or spelling, no need for it to make sense to anyone but me.  No writing and rewriting of sentences, rereading paragraphs over and over... Regardless, I find that I still self-censor.  Even though no one (god, please) will ever read it. So I'm coming back to this format - the flow is easier for me, I generally prefer typing to pen and paper, and I can actually decipher what I wrote if I ever attempt to reread it.  My handwriting can be a mystery,  even to me.   When I journal with pen and paper I find that I simply summarize my day, but never really discuss about anything that I find interesting.  An imaginary audience is easier to write to than one that I know doesn't exist.  In summary, pen and paper journaling makes me feel even more like a weirdo.  And that bar is set high.

So.  It's the apocalypse and I felt that I should start blogging again, even though there is a 95% chance that I will not come back to this site for another year.  Or two.  Assuming we have, say, internet and power and a functional society at that point.  (Aside:  I'm calling this the apocalypse because it's funny to me, and probably a little true.  Before this all started, post apocalyptic fiction was, hands down, my favorite literary genre.  You know what?  Not anymore. I take it back.  JK JK JK, please stop, I want off this ride.)  I'm mostly kidding.  I picked a super awesome time to change careers.   If I hadn't abandoned the office life, I would currently be on a paid vacation, "working" from home. Honestly, I still don't regret the move, but it is certainly an interesting time to be a nurse.

In the last entry, I wrote about my impending move from night shift to day shift on SDU. HOLY BALLS that was a really, really tough transition.  It was like working on a completely different unit.  The work load was double, the pay was less, and it was not a good time.  My body and mind much prefer day shift, and I loved my coworkers, but it was intense.  There are positives and negatives to both shifts, and I will admit I learned much more when working days - a majority of the doctors and advanced practice nurses like to teach, which is awesome.

I sprained my right ankle for the thousandth time in January of last year, and was off of work until June.  I had arthroplasty in March of 2019 -  today is actually the one year anniversary of my surgery, isn't that random?  It finally feels somewhat normal, but I definitely wouldn't go back and repeat the experience, either.  I am still not back in the squat rack as far as lifting legs, and the gym has continued to take a back seat to work. I did about a year of day shift on SDU before accepting the most awesome position ever.  I'm one of two admissions nurses in our hospital.  We work in the ED and do the admissions paperwork and sometimes the med recs for newly admitted patents. I love getting to work in the emergency room - I get to see way more cool stuff, and I love the team based atmosphere.  I also adore the staff down there, and am constantly and consistently blown away by their skills and abilities, especially how they always manage to stay calm in even the most intense circumstances.  (Y'all, that is not me.) My position is part of the float team and we are a staffing reserve - as in,  when the shit hits the fan, we stop doing admissions and go fill in as a floor nurse wherever needed.

I tend to get pulled into the ICU, mostly to task, but periodically to take a team, and with the impending medical crisis, I've requested to be officially ICU trained.  That starts in a week, and I am super excited about it, but also low key terrified.  I LOOOOVVVVEEEEE and respect the heck out of all the unit nurses, and hope they can tolerate my stupid questions for a few weeks.  It is not a secret that I dislike, correction, despise needles.  Bloodwork/IV's.  Hate, hate, double hate.  It's all psychological at this point - I have the yips.  I hate failure.  If I know I don't stand a decent chance of succeeding at something (literally anything, not just at work), I dread it. I hate making my patients uncomfortable, and feel that they doubt ALL of my abilities as a nurse just because I'm not a good phlebotomist.  It's a work in progress.  I just need to suck it up and do it.

I also need to change the title and tag for this blog, since I'm not really a fitnesses-douche anymore.

Just a regular one.

Not COVID related but holy shit.

At least the apocalypse makes for good memes.

If they shut down the entire state, I still get to go to work.  My marriage will survive, even if I don't.  Also, please ask me how grateful I am to not have children right now.  I feel for you parents.  I can't imagine.

The slow ones, though, not that 28 Days Later shit.  Also, these memes are like a list of movies I will watch during the quarantine.

I will write more about this topic at a later date.  I'm livid with a particularly selfish family member right now. The boomers are worse than the Tide pod eaters at this point.

This is almost too close to the truth to be funny.

I will never not share a Buffalo Bill meme ❤️

Definitely still not dead...

But in all honesty, I feel 50% dead about 75% of the time.  So, my last post came about one year after the previous one.... Since I am hyper competitive, I apparently felt the need to outdo myself, and waited two whole years this time.  Kudos to me.

Things that have changed since my last update:

• I graduated nursing school with a 4.0. To date, this is by far my greatest accomplishment, but it did come at a significant cost.  The price included: 1) my "bodybuilding body", 2) some relationships, 3) a good chunk of my sanity, and likely 4) multiple years off of my life.  
• I passed the NCLEX in 75 questions and in under 90 minutes.   The test proctor asked me if I was taking a break as I went to sign out.  This gave me a mild heart attack, because I assumed this meant that I definitely failed, and failed hard. Those two days of waiting were the absolute worst.  The test itself, though, was significantly easier than I expected.  Probably because my obsessive self studied for two months longer than I should have. 
• I am working as a night shift RN on the step-down unit of a small, local-ish hospital.  My commute is 25 minutes which is BY FAR the best commute I've had in forever-ever.  The unit is bananas, and the patient acuity is significantly higher than I had anticipated... I wrongfully assumed that all step-down would be "glorified med-surg."  I'm sure this depends entirely on the individual hospital, their resources, their ICU size and acuity, etc., etc., etc., but our SDU acuity level typically leans more towards ICU than med-surg, minus the vents, pressor drips or insulin drips.  Every now and then, the med-surg floors fill up and we get overflow, or you have someone there for med initiation, and you get a nice night full of walkie-talkies, but in the six months I've been there, this has happened to me exactly one time.  This leads me to my next point...  
• I have accepted a full time day shift position, so in two short weeks I will be rejoining the living! I'm incredibly apprehensive about the work load, change in work flow, different coworkers, more management, more doctors, more family, just more more more.  Except the "I feel like I'm physically ill and/or dying pretty much every day of my life" thing will (fingers crossed) go away, right?  I love my night shift coworkers, I love the environment, I love having more time with my patients without all the noise and craziness around, but I am way too old to have a sleeping schedule that is so whacked out.  I do want to stay married, and night shift me is realllyyyyyy difficult to be around.  
• The gym stopped being the center of my universe during the last semester of nursing school.  My priorities shifted in a huge way.  I had made it so far into this program with straight A's that I probably would have murdered a family of five to keep that GPA.  I never stopped lifting, but it went from 5-6 days to 4-5 days and the intensity took a turn for the worse. I've been doing OK with food prep and putting in the work at the gym since I've started working, but again, the irregular sleep schedule has me fighting an uphill battle with my biological rhythms.  It's definitely feast or famine.  I'm on a push/pull split, which allows me the flexibility I need with my crazy schedule, but again, it's just a hobby right now, not something I'm passionate about.  It's really hard to feel passionately about anything when you're permanently exhausted.  I am rarely not tired.  It's awful.  I sincerely hope day shift life improves this situation.  
• I don't know why I stopped writing all together.  Well, I guess I know; it wasn't a priority and I didn't make it one.  I probably won't start making time until I feel more settled into my job and less perpetually anxious.  So don't hold your breath.  I've always kept a blog as a way of remembering things, since my memory is so piss poor.  I need to start doing it again, even if they're just poorly written little paragraphs every month or so.  

Again, not dead... but no promises to ever update this again, either.  In closing, some relevant nursing memes.

Additional fun facts:  Prior to starting my nightshift job, I had seen maybe the first two or three seasons of The Office.  It was just OK to me.  Perhaps I am a little too empathetic and sensitive, because very early-season Micheal got himself into these situations that made me so physically uncomfortable, I just couldn't watch it.  Literally, skin crawling, want to hide, change channel, done. Well, something switched because I'm currently halfway through the series for the third time.  I watch it only when attempting sleep or getting ready for work, and Michael's antics seriously help me mentally prepare for whatever my shift holds.  Honestly, I don't hate the later seasons that much either.  Not the same without Steve Carell but not unwatchable, either.  

In closing, 

a year, huh?

whoops.  It's not that I forgot this existed.  Really.  I've just been busy, distracted, overwhelmed.  Still, a year? I honestly don't have time to be updating this now, but I feel some sort of weird obligation to write at least something, since I just realized it's been so long since I've done so.

The post before this, over a year ago, I was rehabbing a back injury.  Little did I know, a month later, I'd tear something in my shoulder that would take about the entirety of the next year to rehab.  It took six months to be able to sleep on it, and right now it's about 95% better.  I've just started doing overhead pressing motions again, and it happened last July.  But I didn't need surgery, it rarely hurts, I can use it, and that's what matters.

I got married.  It was awesome.  I am happy.

I feel like school is trying to kill me.  Slowly.  I love/hate it.  There are never days where I feel ambiguously about school.  I have to admit that I was one of those business-centric people who assumed that nursing wasn't all that difficult from an academic perspective.  Yes, I appreciated the effort and hard work that the job of nursing required, but it turns out I severely underestimated how smart these people really are.  And how very challenging nursing school is.  Especially in an accelerated format. We are basically on five week semesters.  A full semester in five weeks.  So, yeah, it's tough.  It's almost all I do right now.  I try to go to the gym at least 6 days a week still, but generally I only lift on 4 of those.  The other two, I have lecture so early that I just use the time to do cardio and review for school.  I've survived two semesters, this is my third.  Each one is a mini-victory because there are definitely days where I think I'm going to quit.  I've never worked this hard, but it has its moments.  It can be fun.  It's definitely challenging.  I enjoy that, most days.

So, yeah, in conclusion... I am alive.  I'll attempt to write more.  It probably won't happen.

Summer Break

So... Turns out I'm a horrific blogger, girlfriend, daughter, housekeeper, etc. during the semester.  I can't believe I haven't written here in so long.  Hopefully this summer I will give this blog a little more attention.  I've been out of school a few weeks, and have managed to relax a little, hang out with my parents, and de-funk our house.  It needed it.
This school year was amazing.  Hardest thing I've ever done, but amazing.  I managed to get a 4.0 both semesters, took Anatomy & Physiology and Organic/Biochem 1&2.  I've honestly never worked that hard in my entire life, but in the end, definitely worth it.  That Anatomy class was, by far, the best college course I've ever taken, and I've taken quite a few... haha.
I am finally on track in the gym & with my diet again.  Coming off a month long bad back situation, still not back in the squat rack or doing heavy deads, but I can pick up the 35's without wanting to cry, and I'll take it!  I need to make sure I don't go overboard too soon and aggravate the injury.
Alright, I've got some housework that needs my attention, I just wanted to jot down a brief update.
I am alive.

Hello, 2015!

Hi!  Well, the fall semester is over, and I managed to keep my 4.0.  Which is the driving force behind my lack of updates.  The last few months have consisted of school, studying, gym, food and sleep.  Little else.  It was worth it, though, I ended up with 105% in my anatomy class, which has a fairly high fail rate.  So, uh, pleased to say the least.

It's been nice having some time off, I cleaned the house in a serious way - something that has taken a back burner and has been driving me bonkers.  I'll be gearing back up for school soon; I'm taking part 2 of the classes I took last semester, so I already have the books... I haven't missed them yet.

Christmas was great; we spent Christmas Eve with my parents, and did Christmas Day at home.  Nice, quiet, perfect.  I got a very amazing gift from my boyfriend, but it's not quite together yet, there will be pictures.   Let's just say that the basement gym is coming along nicely, and perfect timing.  The New Years resolutioner crowd is already in full force, curling in squat racks and stuff.  Despite being on vacation, I've been getting up at 5 to make it to the gym before it's obscenely crowded.  Worth it.

New Years Eve will be spent at home, and I'll undoubtedly be in bed by 9pm. Boyfriend is grilling, I have some baking to do, and I'm just looking forward to relaxing together.  My parents are coming over tomorrow to watch football and hang out, also looking forward to that.  Now for some pictures:

Per unwritten white-girl law, I pumpkin binged this fall.  I also made sure to drink a Starbucks pumpkin spice latte while wearing yoga pants and Uggs.  Jokes and jokes and jokes, kids.

I wouldn't have survived this semester without help from Willie.   Or bf.

Study time.  

I was the note card queen.  5 almost-full gallon baggies of these bad boys.  

The last few months have involved a slow, planned caloric increase.  Heavenly.  

My prize for a 4.0.  This picture doesn't do it justice; I'll put another up once it is fully healed.  Per usual, Sean is amazing. 

Have I mentioned how much I love this whole eating all the time thing? #gainz

We got a tree this year!  Willie was convinced it was a present for him, just like everything else in the house.  

We got festive this year.

I am not a fan of New Year's resolutions.  If that works for you, more power to ya', but in my opinion, if you want to make a change, if something is important to you, you don't need some arbitrary date to start.  Just stop being lazy and do it.  And yeah, I'm one of those jerks who doesn't like the influx of stupid into the gym this time of year.  Is it March yet?  Don't get me wrong, I'm all for people making positive changes in their lives, and getting healthy.  I'm most certainly pro-fitness, but again... you don't need to wait.  GO.  Go do it.  And if you're new to working out in a commercial gym, maybe google "gym etiquette" or something.  Now that I have my very own squat rack, I'm slightly less concerned about waiting for bro-dude to finish curling or monkeying around in the rack, or the yoga mom squatting the bar, but come on.  And staring?  It's got to go.  I work out in old ratty T-shirts, no makeup, and a hat because I'm not there to talk.  Or meet people.  Take the hint.  

In happier gym-related news, here are my GOALS for 2015:

• Deadlift > 250 lbs
• Bench = 130 lbs
• Clean/Press > 120 lbs
• LEARN THE DANG SNATCH, FINALLY (this is my personal "lazy")

I have zero excuse not to master that lift.  I have been slowly upping my overhead squat... fingers crossed, this is my year. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful (and safe) New Years!

SUMMER!

Oh, hey there, still alive.  Again.  Survived the summer five week microbiology session, which had been my excuse for not updating earlier.  Or doing much of anything aside from studying and going to the gym.  And eating.  Getting an A in that class is probably my proudest accomplishment to date.  More than passing the PHR (and outscoring my boss substantially) or graduating with honors from CSU.  On par with quitting smoking, as far as the "hardest thing I've ever done" aspect.  I busted ass and was rewarded, and it was actually a very fun class.  At first, I was sad it was over, I liked the subject matter.  Just not getting up at 4:30, going to class an hour early to study, coming home, gym, and then reading/making note cards for 3 hours every day.  That part, I don't miss.
Took a trip with my boyfriend the week after class ended, which was fun.  I love being in the car and seeing new places, but I was also happy to get home.  The older I get the more habit-based I become. I really do find comfort in routine, and I need to curb that before it starts dictating what I do, or want to do.
I started a cut on Monday, following THIS program.  I picked it because I was feeling lazy and it was easier to follow something pre-made than design one myself (which I generally do for my building workouts) and so far, so good.  I also chose it because I like a lot of the bigger lifts that it incorporates.  I'm not about to give up dead lifts or clean/press for more than a couple weeks.  Nope.  I was a little worried because the workouts are shorter and use fewer exercises than I'm accustomed to.  Needless worry, I'm so sore right now it's not even funny.  The cardio sucks, but I'm sucking it up and finishing it every day.
Of course, as always, diet is key.  Which is the hardest part, for me.  The gym is FUN.  I like that challenge.  The challenge of not eating what I want, when I want is not so fun.  But I've stuck to my macros and finished a gallon of water every day this week, which is (sadly) a record for me.  Especially with the water.  I could probably drink a gallon of coffee with greater ease.  Bodybuilding.com is a great resource.
Speaking of the gym, yesterday I got to go workout HERE and it was awesome.  Such a different experience than a commercial gym.  I was in shock when I walked in, like, "TOYS! New and exciting toys everywhere!!!"


And now a bunch of pictures.

Let's just call this "before" - decent shoulder day.

I got some work done on my sleeve, and I LOVE it.  Can't wait to finish it.

Took my mom to Falling Water.

Typical.

Willie likes summer, too.

Bf got me a Ninja when my $20 Walmart blender finally bit the dust.  No comparison, I adore this thing.

I've gotten to lay out a few times. Well, like twice. Summer rocks.  

Bicep progress.  Not horrible. 

We still love the grill.

This was the grand total of note cards for microbiology.  I killed some trees. 

My "congratulations on surviving that class" gift.  Best boyfriend ever.  

The Mackinac Bridge, which was a little scary, trucks racing in the dirt, and my favorite Flag nor Fail hat.  

So, yeah, I've gotten to enjoy about a week of summer so far and I've certainly had a blast.  Three more weeks of awesome, another trip... then school starts again.    

The most epic, out of control cheat meal, and CHICKEN & WAFFLES. Yeah.

Lately, my cheat meals have been steak, veggies and a sweet potato.  We love the new grill and have been taking every opportunity to use it.  I usually have a Quest bar or a container of Arctic Zero or banana soft serve depending on a) my mood and b) how my week went (do I need more carbs, or was it a bad week?).  Well, last night my boyfriend looks at me and says, "you know what I want?  A Blizzard." As in, from Dairy Queen.  If memory serves me, I haven't had something like that in well over 10 years.  Before the fitness obsession, I was vegan, and before that I was fat-phobic in a big way.  So, yeah, it has been a good 10+years since I've had something like that.  My week had been ok but for some reason, maybe because it's finally feeling like summer around here, I was like, "yeah, this is gonna happen" and immediately pulled up their website.  Still wanted to have an idea of the nutritional content... lack there of... OH MY GOD.  So freaking bad.  Like, way above and beyond the kind of cheat meal that I need right now, holding at a slightly higher than optimal body fat %, but I found one that I could deal with, mentally.  So, yeah, last night I had a Strawberry Cheesecake Blizzard and it was freaking awesome.  No regrets.  Had a great leg day today, totally burned out my hammies & still managed to suffer through cardio.  With cardio 4 days a week, on a split with 3 leg days, it pretty much is inevitable that I have cardio on a leg day every now and then and IT SUCKS.  But I survived, and then made this:

Chicken and Waffles

I posted a picture of this on Instagram earlier with the following caption: ...file this under #soundsgrosstastesgreat.  Or something along those lines.  It sounds kinda, um, gross? but I love it.  I've made it two ways; this was how I had my sweet potato last night & I had the above for lunch today.  I like today's better, I used mashed sweet potato as opposed to the grated sweet potato I used last night.  The waffle recipe is based on this one, from the Fit Men Cook website.  I omitted the whole egg, because I keep fat as low as I can for meals 2-4, especially on cheat day. The chicken and the rest were inspired by this recipe, but I mean loosely-based-on... basically, I used a mild horseradish mustard and then topped it with sugar free maple syrup, but I got the idea for that combo on the Allrecipes site.  And now it's all I want to eat.  I'm falling in love with the waffle iron, all over again.

Have a great week!

Still alive!

I am the world's worst blogger these days.  Here's what's been going on:

School - got all A's for the first semester, had a couple of weeks off, and start summer classes in a week.  Taking Microbiology this summer, a five week class.  I keep reminding myself "you can do anything for five weeks" in an attempt to not completely freak out over this one.  Then in the fall I have Organic Chemistry, Human Anatomy I and their accompanying labs, and a nutrition class.  I like taking the hardest classes together, of course, that was intentional.  Ha, ha, ha.... slow clap... it was the only way I could schedule this semester.  I had no intention of tackling the two classes with the highest failure rates in my program at the same time.    Barf.  Yay for science, says the HR chick...
The other day my boyfriend said something that included the sentence, "... and this major is much more difficult than your first one" which delighted me... that he is aware of the fact that science is hard and business was memorization and common sense.  I'm not smart enough to have chemistry come as "common sense" to me.  Double barf.

Gym - I took a week off from lifting, which I try to do every 12 or so weeks, but hadn't done since Christmas.  I did, however, do cardio all week to keep myself sane.  This is my first week back and it's been awesome.  I also took that week off of pre-workouts, and have reintroduced a fat burner, so I'm full of chemically-induced happiness and energy.  I'm on the same split, which I started about 2 weeks before the rest week.  6 days of lifting, hitting glutes three times a week (two leg days, and on one of the back days), shoulders twice, back split into two days... it's a beast but I love it.  I'm even OK with the fact that I can't, uh, sit down without wincing.  My hammies and glutes hate me, but I love it.  I had been doing it straight through, but I think it's gonna start looking like 3 on, 1 off, mostly because I'm being a baby.  However, I don't like going to the gym on Sundays (or Saturdays for that matter, it's been busier and busier lately... gross) but it looks like I may have to suck it up.

Food - still the weak area, but vastly improved.  I'm slowly leaning out for summer, which is awesome, but man I love food too much!  This about sums it up:

(Although I truly detest the first quote.  Gotta throw that out there. Whoever came up with that has obviously never had peanut butter.) Same food plan, just actually sticking to it, and seeing results.  My plan is to slowly lean down through the summer, then spend the fall/winter reverse dieting back up and focusing on building MOAR MUSCLE!  GRRRR!  I've added cardio back in, which of course I hate, but I do love the results and the sense of accomplishment that comes from sticking out something you detest for an extended period of time.  When I get frustrated with my "slow" results, I have to stop, remind myself of where I came from, and what it took to get where I am now, and that I should be proud, even if I'm not where I want to be just yet.  At my worst, about 3 years ago, I weighed 92 lbs and ate around 700-800 calories a day.  I did 30+ minutes of cardio intervals every day, usually twice, and was so miserable I can't begin to describe it to you.  I thought about food every second of every day.  No fun.
I eat about 3 times that now, and can walk up stairs without wanting to die.  One day I will post comparison pictures, but right now I can't look at that version of myself without feeling like garbage.  I know I've talked about this before, but honestly, I need to remind myself.  Some days, it's tempting to say screw it, and go back to my cardio queen ways.  No dice.  No. Effing.  Dice.

Other - of course, related to gym/food.  I'm working out with my former trainer today, which I haven't done in a month or two.  Those workouts are always fun.  I'll be grateful to him forever-ever.  He knew me at my worst, never pushed the food issue (which you may or may not know will really backfire on you when you're dealing with a person that has food-problems), and nudged me in the right direction.  "Cardio AND?" was the extent of the pushing.  (I used to do some light ab work to be able to reply with something other than a blank look, my have things changed.)  #hero

Competition - still a no.  I keep getting asked if/when I'm competing and I generally just say no, stare at my feet, and brush it off.  Primarily because I don't like chatting at the gym, but also because "no, I'm in recovery from an eating disorder and it's probably not a good idea for me to get so obsessive about something" is a little too personal for gym-strangers.  (But not internet strangers, logic at its finest.)  So, still no.


The rest:

This little bit of awesome entered our lives recently.

And makes cheat meals even better.  Steak and veggies.

I love my boyfriend enough to do yard work.  If you know me, you understand the significance.  

Seriously, though, it was 11 yards of mulch, which (apparently, i had no idea) is a lot.  I did a big chunk of the loading and pushing the wheelbarrow.  Luckily this happened during my "rest" week so I was eager to do something that resembled lifting.  Good timing, sir, good timing.  

I travel light.  Also, the gallon jug on the left is amazing.  A) it benefits a great charity, B) it keeps me on track, and C) drink all the water, pee all the time!!!!  If you're interested, here's the link: JUST DRANK!  

Slow and steady wins the race.  Slow progress is still progress.  I can't wait to see what's under the blubber.

Willie is still a cathole.  

Thanks for reading, and have a great week!

Photo update

So, I'm taking a little break from studying for two tests tomorrow... Quick break, so here's what's new and/or exciting:

New shirt. Don't worry, I don't wear it out of the house...

My newest obsession:  Protein donuts.  These are cinnamon & vanilla with a maple glaze.  

Jawbone UP24, replacing the original one.  Jawbone, you get ONE LAST CHANCE.  Redeem yourself!

I like to pretend that they're real donuts...

I don't typically like orange flavors, but man, this is good.

Ok, back to the grind.